“Marriage... is a process of learning the dance rather than finding the right dancer.”
— Paul Pearsall (author)
We all have what this book – The 5 Love Languages – calls a “Love Tank”, and it gets filled when our spouse speaks one or a combination of OUR love languages. Figuring out which of the 5 Love Languages is your primary love language can be an important key to building long lasting love and intimacy in your marriage. Since we all tend to give love the way we like to receive it, we may feel that it’s obvious when we’re showing love to our spouse, but often it’s not. This short book offers valuable tips, suggestions, examples, detailed insight into each language and a quiz to help identify your primary love language.
- Good Indicator of your love language: What does your wife do/say or fail to do/say that hurts you the most?
- Good Indicator of her love language: What does she continually request of you, complain about most or do/say often to express her love?
Words of Affirmation
Give specific compliments on appearance and performance.
Don’t just tell her how beautiful she is and how great she’s doing, add the important details that make you feel this way.
Offer verbal appreciation.
Show how much you value her by using specific words that will really mean something.
Discouraging words can be very harmful, so always look to build her up with loving ones.
Ask, DON’T demand.
Always try to make requests in the form of a question or suggestion. This kind of approach will show that you really value her.
Do things together.
These should be activities that she likes (give them your complete attention).
Have the right attitude.
Be joyful and sincere during each activity.
Make it meaningful.
Engage in topics of conversation that promote quality discussions.
Put yourself in her shoes.
Just listen, and then offer sympathy and understanding.
Give her your complete attention during conversations. Don’t accept interruptions.
Really make an effort.
Go out of your way to allow for quality time to happen.
Share past moments of quality time when you are together.
Know what and how to share.
Open up about your day and your feelings associated with that day’s activities.
Know what it means.
A gift is a visual symbol of your love, and shows that you are thinking of her.
What it is doesn’t matter.
It can be handmade, bought or something you find in a special place. Think simple and sentimental or big and expensive. It can also be your “time”. Just being there for special occasions/moments will go a long way.
Choose to attend an important moment in her life over your own enjoyable activity.
Acts of Service
Not all acts are meaningful.
Certain tasks will speak her love language and others may not.
Know what to look for.
Her criticisms about your behavior should provide the clearest indicator for meeting this love language. Remember, it’s not necessarily what she says that’s the problem, but it’s what she doesn’t get as a result.
Timing is very important.
Do important tasks (big or small) at a time when she would appreciate them because she has a lack of time or desire to do them.
Don’t drag them out.
Make sure your responsibilities that affect her ability to accomplish hers are done in timely fashion.
Open up to her needs.
Be willing to complete a task you’re not thrilled about doing, just because she would appreciate.
Just because she is a woman, doesn’t mean she should be doing certain tasks. All tasks take time, energy and are not always desirable.
She may receive love in a few or all of these ways: sitting close, body touching, a gentle hand on her shoulder, hand holding, kissing, hugging, a back and/or foot massage, foreplay and making love (it’s all based on emotion, so go slow and be gentle).
Know when and how.
Touch her in the ways mentioned above when and how she likes it (this may not always be what feels natural/good for you).
Really make an effort.
For certain things, be explicit with the way you touch her. She will appreciate it if you go out of your way to learn how to get better in her favorite areas of touch.
Being subtle can be powerful.
For certain things, be less obvious and more strategic with the way you touch her. She will appreciate the thought you put in to the “timing” of when you touch her in her favorite ways. Continue to think of new ways to offer the simplest of touches.
Find the right balance.
Limiting the frequency of sex could make her feel unloved, but on the flip side… frequently going right into sex after hugging and kissing can create a loss in the emotional power behind the hugging and kissing you just shared.
Don’t be damaging.
She will be extra sensitive to physical touch, so make sure you always touch her in a gentle way (never in anger or frustration). A good example of what you should do is hold her close when she is crying. Sympathetic words cannot compare in that type of situation.*